The Dancing Pony pickup line
this week is a blast from the past featuring some well-known characters in Divine…
Sometimes, despite our best efforts to sabotage ourselves—or our friends in this case—true love prevails.
I wonder sometimes who started the “I dare you to…” thing.
Maybe it was a caveman. The first guy to ever eat an egg—I can just picture it. Bunch of cavemen sitting around a fire when one says to the others, “Hey, I dare you to eat the next thing that comes out of that chickens butt.”
Can’t you just see him trying to convince his buddies? “It’s really good, you should try it.”
Anyway, a group of cowboys were sitting at the bar, talking about women and the “hunting prowess” of two particular cowboys in the group, Josh and Lucas.
They’re in their early thirties, 6 feet tall, both around two hundred lbs. Both are well built, because of their work in their family’s construction business, and they look like athletes.
They were being rather humble about their track records with the ladies and one of their buddies said, “Aw come on, you’ve got us all at a disadvantage. When either of you are here, none of us has a chance because the ladies are all lookin’ at the two of you.
I’ll bet you could say anything you wanted to a woman and she’d still go out with you.
Hell, if I looked like either of you, I’d be getting’ laid every night.”
Then another one spoke up and said,
“I bet you could walk up to any single woman in here and say, ‘Hey, want to fuck?’ and she’d walk out of here with you.
But we get to pick the girl.”
Josh didn’t look so jazzed about the idea, and neither did Lucas for that matter.
Because I’ve seen them in here on occasion, I had a pretty good idea of why.
They aren’t after “just any woman” these days.
Lucas asked, “Both of us on one woman?”
“Hey, this is Divine. It’s not like you’d shock her all that bad.”
Josh said, “Aw, come on now. We can’t do that to a lady. That’s not me, guys.
What if she’s really nice and we offend her because of this?”
Another buddy in the group put a nail in the coffin by saying,
That’s usually the last thing said before trouble starts, either that or “Hold my beer and watch this shit.”
So our heroes reluctantly took the challenge. The group of buddies waited and watched as various ladies walked in the front door and they argued about which one to let our heroes loose on.
After a while, three women walked in
together and sat at the other end of the bar from our cowboys, who were now eyeing the three of them speculatively. I said a brief payer when I recognized all three, thinking things were about to get critical. I even got the cordless phone out, ready to page Josh and Lucas for an “emergency” phone call from their dad if need be—if their buddies picked the wrong girl.
The blonde in the group, Violet, is a petite, voluptuous young woman.
She seems self-confident but what that group of buddies didn’t know was going to cause as lot of harm if they picked either of her two friends.
Down at the other end of the bar, the other two ladies, Cassie and Jessica, were bugging Violet about getting out more and having a good time and not being so uptight.
Cassie said, “You’ve got to have a life outside of work or you’re going to go crazy.”
“I’m just focused, that’s all. I can let loose when it’s warranted.”
“Prove it,” Jessica said disbelievingly.
Without looking around, Cassie said, “Loosen that business woman persona up a little and have some fun. Say yes to the first cowboy that walks up to you.”
Violet sipped her drink “Okay, if it will shut y’all up. But I’m not getting drunk.”
Her friend said, “Well, it’s a start girlfriend. You’ve got to unwind or you’re going to drive your employees to drinking, or quitting.”
Meanwhile over in the other group, the buddy who had thrown down the bet said,
“That’s her, right there. The curvy blonde.
None of us would have a chance with a woman like that, but I bet she falls at both your feet.”
Another man from the group called out, “We gotta put some money on this. Who’s in?” They all started talking at once and none of them seemed to notice the utterly relieved look that passed between Josh and Lucas. I put the phone back in its cradle and just waited for events to unfold.
As the betting continued, Josh and Lucas were half laughing and half-disgusted.
Josh said, “All right guys, but whatever happens, this is the first, last, and ONLY time we ever do this for y’all.”
They removed their cowboy hats and slowly walked over to the group of ladies. Cassie and Jessica were watching them walk up, and they were practically breaking ribs, they were elbowing each other so hard. Violet had her back to the room so didn’t know who was approaching.
Josh and Lucas sidled up on either side of Violet. Josh looked like he was bracing himself to get hit in the mouth and said
“Hey, Violet. Want to fuck?”
Violet, who had been sitting there appearing disinterested, looked up, smiled, and said,
“Both of you? Sure, why not.”
Josh’s jaw actually dropped as she grabbed both of their hands and tugged them toward the dance floor. All Lucas could do was blink.
Josh and Lucas’s buddies were whooping and hollering loud enough for the whole club to hear, and exchanging money as bets were won and lost.
As they neared the edge of the dance floor, one of our waitresses overheard as Violet noticed the uproar at the bar, then frowned and said,
“Waaaait. What did you just ask me?”
Josh’s face turned red as a barn door and he said, “I’m sorry, Violet, but our friends put us up to it. They bet we could say anything to a lady and get away with it. We’ll understand if you want to walk away…after you punch me in the mouth.”
She giggled and said, “You know what? I think we should kill two birds with one stone. Cassie and Jessica have been bugging me about getting out and having fun. Why don’t the three of us dance once, and then without a word leave together?
Maybe that’ll shut all of them up for a while.”
The brothers looked at each other and Lucas said, “If that’ll help you out, we’re game. Would you like to go get a cup of coffee somewhere? It’s kind of stuffy in here for me tonight anyway. Too much hot air.”
She nodded. “How about Rudy’s? We can talk there without having to yell over the music and noise.”
Josh said, “You got it.”
After the dance they didn’t even come back to their seats. They just bolted out the door, followed by some rather loud cowboy’s voices calling, “See? I told you they could do it! You owe me 20 bucks!”
Cassie and Jessica, on the other hand were giving each other “OMG” looks.
Then laughter ensued and Cassie said, “Her employees are gonna to be praising those cowboys on Monday morning.”
Ah, love. It is a many splendored thing. Or splintered.
Now, with all that said,
if you’d like to read the rest of that story then pick up a copy of Lumberjack Weekend. I promise it’s one wild ride.